A Letter to the Catholic Laity

A Letter to the Catholic Laity
By Pope Benedict XVI

By now you know that we have successfully purged our ranks of homosexuals. We had to do something. John Paul II made peace with all the other churches, took part in the fall of the Soviet Union, and stood up against a culture of death and war, and he’ll still be known for a few priests reaming their altar boys. If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the last few years, it’s that all scandals and tragedies should be met with extreme overreaction and misdirected hysteria.

Thus, instead of dealing with the problem of rape and the institutional cloud of secrecy that allowed so many instances of abuse to occur without redress, we’re slamming all homos indiscriminately. We used to have a policy of “Don’t tell/ Please don’t tell” but now it’s just “Get out.” Really, this is the kind of thing the Church does best, swinging from woeful indulgence to pointless condemnation. We’re playing to our strengths here.

Surely, some of these priests probably took their Homosexuality as a calling from God. Feeling urges they could not reconcile with their faith, they turned away from the sins of the flesh and went down a spiritual path. Big mistake. They should have caroused in gay bars, and eventually gone to hell. Now they’re unemployed.

Now, as a European, I’ve taken in a lot of your imported Hollywood films. If these films have taught us anything, it’s that defrocked priests always end up fighting vampires. That’s what I recommend for these homo-former priests. Vampires do exist. It’s something The Vatican has turned a blind eye to, for reasons of our own. (It’s a clerical thing.) These gay guys should enjoy that whole kinky Goth thing.

There will of course be some ramifications for you, the laity, as well. Purging our already depleted ranks of Homosexuals has left us with a bit of a shortage of priests. In America, the Northeast states will be attending Mass with Father Ted, in Wilton, Connecticut. Once we’ve worked out the geographic/transportation issues, we’ll be telling the rest of you which of the other five priests will be ministering you. Hey, we’ve got it a lot worse in Europe: Father Nicos is doing double duty for both Portugal and Spain. You senoritas better look out! Nicos is a grabber!

I hope this early action in my Papacy will bode well for the years to come. With God’s help, surely this act of cruel unmeasured judgment will bring more Catholics down the road to peace, love and forgiveness.

Yours in Christ,


–Dan Kilian

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