Archive for January, 2009

Tales of Financial Policy and Imagination

Posted in Fiction on January 30, 2009 by klogtheblog

The numbers would not add up. Try as he might, the columns and matrices would not zero out, the projections could not be reconciled, the accounts remained unbalanced. At times he stared at the printouts and screens and got lost in their surface texture: this sheet of paper was marginally rougher and a creamier shade of beige than the other, the fingerprints on the screen reminded him of an Impressionist work he had seen long ago. And then he would notice that there were curious black lines on the paper and the numbers would crowd back in again in nonsensical clamor. As long as he was looking at ink and pulp the world made sense. But as soon as they became symbols everything fell apart.

He consulted his optometrist, a neurologist, even a cardiac specialist who had been a client before he shuffled off his business to colleagues who could still perform basic mathematics. Nobody could find anything physically wrong with him. But for the life of him he couldn’t keep the books straight on a lemonade stand.

–Steve Kilian

Moneyday

Posted in All things political, useless excuses on January 29, 2009 by klogtheblog

Saturday, June 6, 2009 is Moneyday.

The holiday continues through the weekend, making it an extra long day.

The goal of Moneyday is to create a special one-off gift giving holiday designed to coincide with the stimulus package coming out of Washington. We feel it is our patriotic duty and in our own self interest to try to stimulate on a grass-roots level on the demand side.

We urge you to go out and buy something now, something special you would not ordinarily buy, perhaps a band’s CD or a T-shirt or something. Give a loved one some money to spend, or take some money from a loved one, and spend it. There will be a delay in finding out if this did in fact help our economy.

It’s also somehow supposed to help market a lovely band: The Ks.

Once things pick up, we will become Piggy Bank Day, a day to focus on savings. Until then, let the boom resume. Consume!

Dear Diary II

Posted in useless excuses on January 29, 2009 by klogtheblog

So I posted an old bit about the Pope. Probably should write about the new thing with the holocaust denier, but I’m about done making fun of the Pope. Did that for a spell for a group called newsgroper who treated me shabbily. I was the pope, until they took the character I was making my own and let someone else write it. I have other complaints, but I don’t want to go into it. That said, I thought the letter from the pope had some merit, so up it goes!

A Letter to the Catholic Laity

Posted in Comedy on January 29, 2009 by klogtheblog
A Letter to the Catholic Laity
By Pope Benedict XVI

By now you know that we have successfully purged our ranks of homosexuals. We had to do something. John Paul II made peace with all the other churches, took part in the fall of the Soviet Union, and stood up against a culture of death and war, and he’ll still be known for a few priests reaming their altar boys. If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the last few years, it’s that all scandals and tragedies should be met with extreme overreaction and misdirected hysteria.

Thus, instead of dealing with the problem of rape and the institutional cloud of secrecy that allowed so many instances of abuse to occur without redress, we’re slamming all homos indiscriminately. We used to have a policy of “Don’t tell/ Please don’t tell” but now it’s just “Get out.” Really, this is the kind of thing the Church does best, swinging from woeful indulgence to pointless condemnation. We’re playing to our strengths here.

Surely, some of these priests probably took their Homosexuality as a calling from God. Feeling urges they could not reconcile with their faith, they turned away from the sins of the flesh and went down a spiritual path. Big mistake. They should have caroused in gay bars, and eventually gone to hell. Now they’re unemployed.

Now, as a European, I’ve taken in a lot of your imported Hollywood films. If these films have taught us anything, it’s that defrocked priests always end up fighting vampires. That’s what I recommend for these homo-former priests. Vampires do exist. It’s something The Vatican has turned a blind eye to, for reasons of our own. (It’s a clerical thing.) These gay guys should enjoy that whole kinky Goth thing.

There will of course be some ramifications for you, the laity, as well. Purging our already depleted ranks of Homosexuals has left us with a bit of a shortage of priests. In America, the Northeast states will be attending Mass with Father Ted, in Wilton, Connecticut. Once we’ve worked out the geographic/transportation issues, we’ll be telling the rest of you which of the other five priests will be ministering you. Hey, we’ve got it a lot worse in Europe: Father Nicos is doing double duty for both Portugal and Spain. You senoritas better look out! Nicos is a grabber!

I hope this early action in my Papacy will bode well for the years to come. With God’s help, surely this act of cruel unmeasured judgment will bring more Catholics down the road to peace, love and forgiveness.

Yours in Christ,

Benny

–Dan Kilian

Cello Scrotum Hoax

Posted in Comedy on January 28, 2009 by klogtheblog

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/01/28/uk.cello.scrotum.hoax/index.html

What the pranksters don’t realize is that there is a small but significant population of scrotello players for whom serious physical maladies are a frequent concern. Most commonly, the slit into which the scrotello armature is inserted is subject to infection if proper hygiene is not practiced. Also, the extreme stretching that occurs during tympanic/percussive arrangements can result in permanent distension, with associated problems with fertility in addition to the primary ailment. Mild chafing (“bow-sack”) is also fairly common despite being easily avoidable with the proper choice of rosin.

–Steve Kilian

Dear Diary

Posted in useless excuses on January 27, 2009 by klogtheblog

Just posted an old bit from the previous election. Totally dated, but I want it on the internet for when I look for writing jobs. Probably be able to use it again in three years anyway.

A Beautiful Lie

Posted in All things political, Comedy on January 27, 2009 by klogtheblog

If the Obama Campaign had a Karl Rove, there wouldn’t have been so much confusion, so many mixed messages regarding Senator John McCain’s surprise pick of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential pick. Rove wouldn’t have allowed all these wishy-washy attacks followed by retractions and congratulations. No, Rove would have kept everybody on message, and then come up with a way to attack Palin in a way that undermined her perceived strengths.

The ad: “A Beautiful Lie”

BARACK OBAMA: I’m Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

The now-famous head shot of Palin from her pageant days slowly darkens, her features becoming distorted.

ANNOUNCER: They say Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, John McCain’s choice for vice presidential nominee, is a beautiful woman. But if it’s this easy to make her look ugly using Photoshop, how good-looking could she actually be? And what about the rumors that she uses makeup and has her hair styled to make her look better than she actually does?

As the words echo, text reading “Makeup” and “Styled” flickers ominously across the screen.

ANNOUNCER: And does everyone think she’s so beautiful? Here’s what people who have actually known Sarah Palin or lived in her state have to say…

CHILDHOOD FRIEND: Everybody says she’s so pretty. I don’t think she’s all that.

GAY ALASKAN MAN: She’s not my type.

ANNOUNCER: Again and again, the story varies as to whether Sarah Palin actually is as beautiful as is claimed. Makeup, styled hair, there are even reports that Palin has worn high heels to distort her height and the shapeliness of her legs. Can we really afford to have a woman a heartbeat away from the presidency who might not actually be that hot?

Text reading “High Heels” and “Not Actually Hot” flickers ominously across the screen.

ANNOUNCER: PALIN. Move the L and it spells PLAIN.

–Dan Kilian